If you’re like me, what I can give away to others depends greatly on my mental, spiritual, and emotional health. There were many seasons in the early years of ministry when I foolishly sacrificed things that should never be sacrificed, all in the name of ministry.  As I grew as a follower of Jesus and pastor, I learned to welcome the correction of the Holy Spirit, and He would course-adjust and reveal places where I wasn’t approaching things from a place of wholeness due to eroding boundaries or false expectations, whether placed on me by myself or others.  I don’t want to mislead you; I’ve not attained where I want to be, but I’m not where I was. This journey of growth and learning is ongoing in my own life, and I hope this inspires and motivates you in your own journey. 

Some of my most challenging times were due to a lack of mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I used to wonder how things would get so off course while, at the same time, I was completely surrendered to Jesus, His presence, and His calling on my life. The Lord was doing amazing things in people’s lives, and we were seeing the things we had prayed for and dreamed of. I knew that overscheduling, lack of sleep, fading margins, and burning the candle at both ends would land me in the wrong place. It made logical sense that managing my life this way was a destructive pattern, but I would allow life & ministry demands to win out over choosing my health every time.  Around 2015, everything collided, and I found myself in a deep, dark depression. It’s where things end up when you stop honoring your boundaries. I want to share some of what I’ve learned over the past 28 years in hopes that it helps someone avoid the same mistakes I made, even in some small way. I hope that by sharing this, you can escape some pitfalls and lead a healthier, more balanced life and ministry.

• Give It Two-Weeks

I’m sure you’ve heard that learning to protect your time can go a long way in helping to elude burnout. And what does that look like practically? I developed a simple yet practical rule that has served me well; I like to call it the two-week rule.  When someone sets a new appointment with me, it’s scheduled at least two weeks in advance. This allows me to focus on the person requesting the appointment by mentally and spiritually preparing for the meeting. Living at the mercy of your circumstances is never a good idea, but allowing the circumstances of others to control your days is detrimental to your mental health.  Okay, you think I lack compassion and love, right?!  People are in a crisis, and I’m asking them to wait two weeks.  Let me explain…

• Define What A Crisis Is

I’ve learned there are two types of crises’; first, there’s the crisis that is outside a person’s control (a death, sudden marriage devastation, an accident, a tragic diagnosis, hospitalization, etc.).  For these crises, the two-week appointment doesn’t apply.  These are the times, as a shepherd, your heart is to be available for people.  My suggestion in these situations is not to allow the high level of emotion accompanying a crisis to cause you to throw healthy boundaries out the window.  I truly believe the Holy Spirit gives us the compassion to navigate heart-wrenching circumstances while staying grounded in wisdom.  When someone is walking through a life crisis, you can offer a word of wisdom or remind them how God sees them through eyes of love and compassion as they walk through their dark night of the soul.

“My mouth will speak words of wisdom…” Psalm 49:3

It’s an honor and a privilege to shoulder another’s burden in this way.  But don’t blur the borders; to offer the word of wisdom, we have to be in a healthy mindset.  The heartache that some people will walk through can take your breath away, literally.  There is an enemy out to kill and destroy, and seeing the reality of that is sobering.  As an empath, I must stay disciplined and know when I have drifted into an unhealthy place while carrying another’s burden. That is never the person’s fault; that responsibility rests on me. It’s all a part of learning how to walk with someone through their pain into wholeness without letting myself become a casualty. Compassion fatigue is a natural product of an overworked mental and emotional state; it’s both the feeling of numbness and exhaustion. Don’t ignore signs that you need to make some changes. It’s much better to stay current on your car maintenance than have the “fix it when it breaks down” mentality; people like cars in this way, and having a long view is the best view.

While the first type of crisis I described happens outside the person’s control, the second type can’t exist without the person’s cooperation. Usually, this is not a crisis; it is only their interpretation of the situation (relationship issues, their own offense, the drama they had a part in, miscommunication that escalated, difficulty with others’ decisions, etc.).  I have learned that when a person is looking for help solving an immediate situational need, that two-week wait gives them time to gain perspective. That perspective, almost 99% of the time, gives them spiritual insight that advances them to resolve the issue.  Few things bring the joy of seeing someone get answers from the Lord about a situation and then watching them navigate that word through the problematic circumstance straight into victory!  Me jumping in and trying to help solve things isn’t always helpful or best for the person.  It can make us feel like a hero, yet if we’re secure in who we are, we don’t “need to be needed.”  It’s a slippery slope when a leader needs to be needed.  Good leadership means we should be those who are championing people to grow in the Holy Spirit’s wisdom & discernment; we need to allow room to see it happen.

• Be Direct, And Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Details

When someone says they need to meet with me or Dan (my husband), we implemented a practice over twenty years ago as pastors that has been very beneficial when scheduling meetings.  We ask for a general idea of what the meeting is about.  If someone can’t give an adequate reason for the meeting, I can’t meet with them.  When you call your doctor’s office, they will always ask you why you need the visit…you have to commit to the reason for the visit then and there.  It prevents several other issues from getting added to the “reason for visit” on the day of the appointment. Based on the description, the physician blocked off a certain amount of time for that visit. 

I want to prepare myself for every appointment, and when I’m not given the basic information about the meeting, I’m, in essence, wasting that person’s time. With the knowledge of the purpose of the meeting, I can commit time to praying and hearing from the Lord about the situation.  When several other issues are added at the last minute, and sometimes if you’re not using discernment, it can become an ambush of issues, and unfortunately, they can sometimes be aimed at you; I can’t give these the same attention, and the person loses out. Accountability for the reason given for meetings is a great way to tackle issues thoroughly instead of jumping and skipping over repeated patterns.

Set meeting times and let them know what time the meeting will start and what time it will end; I highly regard these bookends. As I’m sure you’ve seen play out in your own life, when you honor yourself and those important things to you, others will, too.

• Refuse To Tolerate Fruitlessness

If you’re new to implementing boundaries or becoming more disciplined in your existing ones, some of this will be very uncomfortable initially. V e r y uncomfortable, and it will be 100% worth it! I can remember when my kids were little, I was home-schooling, and our home life was more chaotic with young children; when people in the church (and sometimes outside our church) would need us, I didn’t give it a second thought to drop everything and be there for them. I still believe, after 28 years, that there’s a beautiful purity about loving people well.  But there are precedents, we must make sure the precedents we set are healthy for us and those that matter most to us. Most of what I’ve learned about leadership, I discovered how to do it correctly by doing it incorrectly!

We can’t get back the hours we minister to others. Am I saying not to do it? Not at all; still, I wish someone had emphasized the importance of producing lasting fruit. We need to be iron sharpening iron in one another’s lives, asking each other if what we’re doing is producing fruit. Be committed to not getting offended if that question steps on a nerve. This can be applied to any area of life.

I think we underrate fruitfulness and excuse fruitlessness. 

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2

Not all that comes to us was sent by Jesus; the enemy also sends things.  Our job is to know the difference. Danny Silk says of counseling, “I’m not going to work harder on this than you’re willing to work.”  I think that statement is brilliant.  We need to ask ourselves continuously in our ministry to others, “Am I working harder on this than they’re working?” We have to be willing to accept the honest answer to that question and respond suitably.  What do we engage with, where should we invest our time, and what will lead to fruitfulness in our life and ministry? That’s what we take to The Lord, who is faithful to guide us into all truth. I wish I had held myself more accountable and been less willing to settle for fruitless ministry that only led to weariness in earlier years.  If only I had committed to stop pouring the hours into the places where I didn’t see a return on my investment, this lesson would have been learned much sooner, and burnout avoided. Don’t run yourself into the ditch on issues the Lord didn’t send you. It doesn’t need to be on my calendar if it’s not producing fruit.

“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.” John 15:16

• If You Disappoint People It Doesn’t Equal Failure

There will be times you will need to say “no.” When you can’t do what people ask of you, don’t allow their disappointment to become your failure.  I never set out to disappoint anyone.  But sometimes, it will happen because we’re human!  We’re all imperfect. 

“If you live by the praises of men, you’ll die by their criticism.” – Bill Johnson

Someone being disappointed in us shouldn’t level us, but it can be beneficial if we commit to seeing it as a growth opportunity.  It brings about humility, and humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.  Several years ago, I remember being invited to an event; I felt I needed to attend it. Not so much for myself, but I knew it would mean a lot to the person who asked me to come.  It was the same week we had guest speakers in town for a conference we were hosting, with back-to-back sessions and entertaining guests between sessions, all with four kids in tow; after three days, I was exhausted—the event I was invited to happened to be on our conference’s final day.  Part of me knew I had to make the event I was asked to no matter what; I didn’t want anyone to be disappointed. I didn’t tell them there was a possibility I couldn’t go because, well, hello, who else has unrealistic expectations of what you can actually do?!

I had made it about ME and trying to control others’ responses; I didn’t want to tell anyone no.  These are terrible motivators and never produce the outcome we want. As you can imagine, there was no way I could make the event, and within a few hours, word had already circulated about how I had disappointed them.  There wasn’t a way to have done all I had planned, yet I would try to control the situation to keep someone from becoming disappointed in me.  Instead, I should have determined my plan from the start and moved ahead confidently, communicating what I couldn’t do.  Although someone doesn’t like my choice, as long as I have done my part to communicate my boundaries with honor, their disappointment doesn’t mean I failed. I learned so much in that situation, mainly a new perspective on humility and the importance of knowing and communicating my limits to those around me. 

With every decision, down to scheduling the hours of our day, there will be times we need to say “no” to good things to say “yes” to excellent mental, emotional, and spiritual health. It’s the tiny everyday choices that decide the outcome of our lives. The end goal is hearing the Lord say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”  To do it “well” means committing to disciplines and habits that are hard at first, but it will not only put us on the fast track to showing up in life as the healthy and whole person we long to be but with a sustaining revival fire and longevity built to last.